Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
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