My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
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