mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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