then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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