i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Randomize
