I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
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