toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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