i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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