I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
