i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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