tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
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