this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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