I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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