I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
