So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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