It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
After tacos, we're chasing women.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
