last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
