If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Randomize
