Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
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