Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
