Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
Randomize
