**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Send help, water and tortillas.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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