Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
they're like a gay fantastic four
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
