Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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