dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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