Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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