my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
