My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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