She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
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