I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
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