I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
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