I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
