They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
