Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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