so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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