Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Randomize
