Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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