i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
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