Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
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