I just made out with a guy for $7.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
