I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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