you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
sarcasm needs its own font
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
