The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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