Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
