I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Congratulations! We have a period
Randomize
