The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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