so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Randomize
