also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
