If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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