I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
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