life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
